I don’t know how many other people with anxiety get this, but if I have a day when I’m feeling anxious, for the week after my stomach likes to act like a total jerk.
On Friday, I had a pretty bad bout of anxiety about my future, to the point where I threw up in the school’s psychologist office. For future reference, I throw up when I get real anxious, so don’t be surprised if you hear that I threw up in strange places like a cave in Mexico (true story).
I got through Friday, I cried, meditated, colored my adult coloring book, put some peppermint oil on my temples, and generally just took care of myself the rest of the day. Self care is really underrated. Seriously, if you feel sad, or have a bad day or anything, go treat yourself to some ice cream, or for me, I like to go buy some nice second hand books from Brookline Booksmith or Commonwealth Books. So there’s my little side note about self care, and don’t worry I’ll have a lot more to say about self care in the future, because I really believe every human being is amazing and so competent and important, and everyone deserves to smile and feel happy and healthy.
Back to my fickle little stomach. Friday I was fine in the afternoon, but every day up until today, I’ve woken up with what I call “morning sickness” even though everyone says “dummy that’s for when your pregnant” and I reply, “WELL IT STILL DESCRIBES HOW I FEEL SO I’M USING IT.” Anyway I get morning sickness which makes me lie down in bed and feel like I’m gonna throw up. Then when I eventually do get out of bed I get real scared of throwing up in class (this is also a recurring fear) and don’t eat as much as I should. And then my stomach hurts because I don’t eat properly all day, so then I wake up hungry the next morning and my stomach feels like I’m about to throw up. Such a fun little cycle. Luckily today marked the first day that I was able to wake up without a stomach issue, because it kind of peters out a little less than a week after a heavy anxiety moment. Reading back over this I have no idea if I’m really explaining this well, so here’s what happens generally.
I wake up, usually in a fetal position because I am really just a fluffy creature who likes to curl up in a ball underneath tons of blankets in subzero temperatures. Seriously, my roommate and I keep our room to 55 degrees year round. I feel my stomach cramping and gurgling and generally throwing a rager, and I’m the parent that comes home and says “Stomach I swear to God you better clean up this mess,” only my stomach is a rebellious Satan child and refuses. I end up lying in bed as long as I possibly can before I have to go to class instead of getting up and being productive. I don’t get up because I’m afraid to move. When I move, I might throw up. I’m still figuring out why I’m so deathly afraid of throwing up, but I HATE that feeling when you’re about to vomit. Anyway, the problem becomes that once I start to feel my stomach get anxious, it sends my brain into anxious thoughts. Why do I feel like this? I must be anxious about something, what’s on the agenda for today? Then I worry about the little things I have to do, like comment on a book that was hard to understand in class.
What’s curious is that once I get up and move around, the anxiety goes away in about 20 minutes. It’s really strange and I’m still figuring out why I feel like this, but I kind of wanted to blog about it because it’s such an annoying phenomenon that forces me to eat half stale crackers for breakfast sometimes. I know it’s getting better, because the morning sickness used to last two weeks after a big anxiety breakdown, but now I’m at less that a week. So I guess that’s a positive note to leave on.
Actually, this is kind of sad, but I’ll leave you all by calling you corgis today to remember my favorite instagram corgi Loki who passed on Monday from kidney complications. He was a real blessing and never failed to make me smile when I felt anxious, but at least now he’s free from pain. So until next time, goodbye my darling corgis and I hope you’re all healthy!!
Here’s a picture of Loki as Sherlock, because Sherlock is one of my favorite shows and this little guy is just as good a Sherlock as Benedict Cumberbatch.