Grief

I’m going to level with everyone here. I haven’t been super enthusiastic the past week because I’ve had two close family members die within days of each other. I’m what you might call a sensitive emotional type (no, really!?) and so it’s a strange feeling to juggle two different types of grief at once. One was cancer the other, old age. I have vivid memories of both, and just thinking about them makes me smile. I miss them both. I won’t get too specific, but I really, really miss them. I’ve been in a funk the past two weeks, and it feels like my depression has been coming in and out like the tide. I’m sleepier, I’m less interested in social contact, and I feel like my schoolwork is getting away from me. The grief is like a damp woolen blanket thrown over all of it, and I’m struggling to find a way out. My mother says the only thing that heals grief is time. I believe her, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. I keep hearing that their in a better place away from suffering, and I know that too, but I defer to my statement in the sentence before to let you all know how I feel about that. All I can do is keep going and accept death as part of life, which isn’t going to be too easy considering the fact that I still cry when Bucky falls off the train in Captain America: The First Avenger even though he doesn’t even die. Whoopsies, spoiler alert. Actually, it came out in 2011, get over it.

I’d like to take this time to go into happier things, because I don’t want to just sit here and bum everyone out. So maybe we should start with me sobbing in Old South Church. LOL just kidding. I mean I did really go to church and sob in a pew, but the good news is it’s a great feeling to be in a large church by yourself. It was silent, besides my ugly noises of course, but it was a solid silence, if that makes sense. Like it was heavy but I really appreciated it. I also left feeling refreshed, which was good. Go God. It was helpful actually to admit I can’t control everything. I let myself sit there and say to myself in my head, “Please help me. Please help me. I can’t do this on my own.” I’m not really religious, but this church is open to everyone, and it’s so lovely of them to let you sit there and do your thing in silence. Or in gut-wrenching sobs.

And another bit of magic was less religious and more spiritual, which is the stuff I’m really into. On Sunday night it was a super moon in Aries. This means that the moon was super close and bright. OOOOOH I’M TELLING YOU ALL THAT I’M A WEREWOLF!!!! Just kidding. Everyone knows I’m a mermaid witch. Duh. But basically this moon is an opportunity for positive vibes and changes in life. I took my suitemates with me to the dock on the Charles River and we sat there. I closed my eyes and meditated for awhile, soaking up the night air and the sound of waves slapping the dock. It was real peaceful, and I felt like a million bucks afterward. I felt rejuvenated and ready to tackle anything. Do I still feel like that? Heck no! Will I wait for the moon to work for me? Heck yes! And I’ll keep reading all these fun fiction short stories for class until I get my mojo back.

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