I’m taking a mental health day from classes today because honestly I’ve been in this weird funk for about two weeks now.
Sometimes I wonder if people really know how bad depression can get. Normally when I stumble and fall in my mental health journey, it’s due to anxiety. This time I’ve physically felt depression in my stomach, in my legs, and in my back. It’s like a build-up that’s crumbling as I type. But it feels good to actually let it out, so here we go.
I’ve been miserable lately. It feels like work to even hang out with people. I’m able to do my schoolwork and all of that because that’s all very ‘have to do’ stuff to me, and it’s the only thing that’s really been taking my mind off of how awful this semester’s been. I’m constantly thinking about money when I have an apartment with people next summer, finding an apartment in the first place, getting a job, adult life smacking me in the face, etc. I don’t know why it’s returned as suddenly as it has, but I haven’t felt this bad in some time. It’s like every time I try to do something I feel not good enough. For example, when I was home for Thanksgiving, I hardly saw my parents and my brother. As soon as I got home, I just felt really sad and withdrawn for no reason. I still feel bad about it. My parents jump through so many hoops for me and I feel like I’m not reciprocating anything and I don’t know why. I feel like someone pressed a mute button on my forehead and I was gliding through Thanksgiving break. I didn’t give them a heartfelt goodbye either. The worst part is that I didn’t even tell them how low I’ve been lately. I haven’t told anyone except my roommate. I have this huge fear of people telling me to just not be sad, or that I’ve been in therapy for so long and have so many ways to deal with this that I should be using to get better. I’m trying right now. I’m going to spend the time where I had class to do Headspace meditation and yoga because I think my brain needs a break.
My poor brain. I’m desperately trying to take care of it and I keep failing. I try to get enough sleep, I try to eat better and to drink as much water as I can. I try to exercise, and smile and laugh, and my brain won’t move or respond to me. I really love my brain with all my lil emotions and what not floating around in there, and I just want to treat myself right and make sure that I can be the best me. It’s really hard.
It’s really really hard.
Because for the most part, my self-esteem is pretty awesome. I can look in the mirror and say, “Who’s that? She’s the bee’s knees.” Whenever my “down” moments happen, however, that sends my self-esteem and confidence plummeting. For example, I’m drinking a lot of water, floss almost every other day, and brush my teeth and mouthwash everyday. Still, my teeth are terrible. Random example, I know. But this has happened before. I take care of my mouth as best I can and then I go to the dentist and suddenly have six cavities. Then I get chastised for how I’m not taking care of my teeth BUT I AM I PROMISE. I CAN’T CUT ALL SUGAR OUT OF MY DIET THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE AND EXCESSIVE. I try so hard and I still get cavities is the moral of the story. I try so hard to please myself, to please others, to get out of this funk, and I’ve been falling short lately.
I think another example would have to do with the second death of a close family member that happened this semester. She wasn’t my biological grandmother, but she was my Nana’s best friend so she was always third grandma Sophia who I was very close to. I used to visit her in the nursing home where she was put a few years back, and she was always so happy to see me. She died less than a week after my aunt in October, and it’s been a different kind of grief altogether. Sophia was in her nineties so it wasn’t like she was suddenly taken before her time. What’s been getting me the most is that I didn’t visit her before I went back to school. And she would tell my dad that she’d love for me to call and talk with her, and I tried but she was either napping or the nursing staff gave me a million run arounds and I couldn’t reach her. I see her every time I’m home but this one summer had to be the one where I completely dropped the ball. I was planning on visiting Thanksgiving to make up for it, so maybe that’s why things have been so hard lately. I haven’t really talked about it with anyone, even my family, because from what I’ve gathered my parents have dealt with it knowing that she had an amazing life. Really, this woman had an amazing life, we have videos of her dancing at NINETY YEARS OLD. And I agree, I really do, I just have so much regret at not seeing her. It’s been eating me alive. I know she loved me, and I loved her, and we both knew that, but it hurts that I couldn’t take time off my stupid work schedule and just visit her for even an hour. I feel like an idiot. This has also bubbled to the surface because going home for Thanksgiving was the first time I really had to face it. I hadn’t gone to the funeral that Wednesday because I’d just been to my aunt’s funeral that past Friday and my parents didn’t want me running back and forth during midterms season. I got home and I found a mason jar I’d decorated for her on my desk with one of her rosary crosses inside of it. She also had this pink bracelet that says “love” and “peace” on it that I wear every day. I found her red blanket that my parents saved for me. I’d picked it up as a gift for her for Christmas awhile back. Every time I visited her, she was using the blanket and she would tell my how warm and soft it was and how much she appreciated it. I’ve taken it, along with the jar, which is now my lucky penny jar, and the bracelet to school with me, and it’s just sinking in now that I won’t get to visit her this winter break. I don’t know how I’m going to stop feeling miserable that I didn’t visit her. I’ve touched on the topic with my dad and he’s offered me the best advice he can, but I’m still struggling here, and I really just can’t wait for 2016 to be over so that I feel like I can start fresh and maybe not be so sluggish and sad about everything.
Speaking of sad, my final thought on the horrible depression I’m feeling is a little bit lighter. What? Lighter depression? Yeah not really but it’s about The Walking Dead so it’s not something I’ll never get over. I think? Anyway HERE THERE BE SPOILERS so just skip the next few pararaphs if you don’t want to know, even though I’m sure the internet has told you all already.
Ok so here it is: Glenn died. He didn’t just die, it was BRUTAL. The Walking Dead is brutal, don’t get me wrong but ….jeez. He didn’t even have to go, that’s the painful thing. I was expecting it to be Daryl because as much as I love him, IT WAS YOUR FAULT ASSHOLE. WHY’D YOU HAVE TO PUNCH NEGAN AND MAKE HIM KILL AGAIN?! and honestly I feel as a writer *adjusts glasses* that Daryl’s arc is over. I thought okay, if they keep Daryl then they can do an interesting storyline with Dwight-BUT NO. Now we get the writers giving Daryl the same. Damn. Story. : Daryl feels responsible for someone dying (insert Beth, Denise) and because everyone loves Daryl we’re gonna feel even more bad for his sad puppy face. And I do, don’t get me wrong. The episode where Dwight goes “You got your friend killed” and tapes the photo of Glenn’s bashed in head was BRILLIANT. If they’d only done Daryl feeling guilty over someone ONE FREAKIN TIME this would be the perfect one. It’s not Daryl feeling sad over not being able to save someone he’s close with even though it’s literally not his fault at all. Instead, this is practically his brother Glenn who he’s been with since season one. And this time it actually is Daryl’s fault. It sucks because if they hadn’t done this with Daryl ten unnecessary times already, I’d be more invested.
Ok that was a tangent. Back to Glenn, the real reason for my Walking Dead pain right now. Negan’d already butchering Abraham’s head, and I was like okay, not as impactful but okay. And then Daryl acts up and Negan’s like, “that’s not gonna fly” and turns around and BEATS THE HELL OUT OF GLENN. I don’t know why I’m reiterating the plot, chances are if you’re reading this you’ve seen it/know what happens and this blog post is long enough, Jesus. And as soon as it happened, as expected, I WEPT. I was watching it with three other friends and WE WEPT. Actually it was kind of funny because my one friend who wasn’t caught up was like woah and didn’t cry, she just patted all of our backs and was like, “there there”. Shout out to Laura hehe. OK I KEEP DIGRESSING BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT BUT HERE WE GO. I have no problem with violence on this show. I drew the line though when they gave us a close up of Glenn’s DISGUSTING BASHED IN HEAD and you could see his eye, and the worst part was that his hand was twitching. Now, I know Kirkman and all his friends running the show wanted us to know that Negan was serious and that the series was going in a darker direction. But for me at least, it’s way too dark now. It feels like work to turn on the TV and watch this show right now. I remember when the promos for the first season started coming out and I was so excited. And then Glenn showed up in the beginning of the second episode and he was the first character I really liked until Daryl stopped being an asshat redneck. I wasn’t expecting that season 7 opener to hit me like it did, but I’m really struggling here. Every week since they’ve been going to a different little group of people, from Hilltop, to Kingdom, to Tara and Heath, and it’s so hard to watch. I don’t like that I know Glenn is DEAD when half the characters we’re looking at don’t. It felt so momentous, like CAROL GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR AND KILL ALL THE SAVIORS STOP YOUR MORALITY COMPLEX. And there’s a noticeable hole without Glenn. All the characters are so down and it just keeps getting worse. I will say I enjoy how Rick never explicitly discusses what happened except that one moment with Michonne where he says, “I can’t lose anybody else” and his voice cracks. He never mentions Glenn except that moment, and oh my goodness did I feel the weight of that sentence like a ton of bricks. I got up until the episode where we see Maggie at Hilltop and she visits Glenn’s grave. That’s when I turned off the TV. This show is painful right now, I think they may have gone a little too far with how they rubbed Glenn’s death in our faces. I’ll wait until the mid season before I try to pick it up again, because jeez, they have to give us some hope otherwise this just becomes torture to watch.
Anyway, long story short, I have a lot of feelings. You may have noticed I keep using Tobey Maguire’s Spiderman images in this post. This is intentional, because he makes stupid faces that are the best part of the Spiderman trilogy. Ok I think you’ve all read enough about my suffering. I feel immensely better after actually getting it all out, so go cathartic blogging, and this is my time to say write your feelings because it feels fantastic.
OK I’ll leave you with just one more Spiderman pic, because this one’s my favorite: toodles my friends.