About that “New Year New Me” Stuff

I said for the new year I was going to be all WOOHOO NEW YEAR NEW ME I’M GONNA HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE!!! Apparently I neglected the fact that I have a dentist’s appointment on Monday where I will be told I have cavities because I don’t take care of my teeth enough and that I lost my teeth whitening mold so I’m irresponsible. I’m very excited about this appointment, even though I brush and floss every day and use mouthwash, and I just have really weak enamel after having braces for two years back in middle/high school. I love being told I’m not doing something right!!!

There is a silver lining though, in that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist right beforehand where I’ll get a refill on my meds and some life advice because my psychiatrist is AMAZING. Seriously he’s a wizard. But that’ll be good because honestly right now the only thing the new year is bringing me is new stresses. Like, wow, I have to help run a magazine this year as one of the newly appointed head editors, what the hell am I doing, I have to find an apartment, everyone else has internships and I am useless. How will I ever be a responsible adult?

Basically here’s what all the thoughts come down to: “You’re useless. You’re lazy. You’re not good enough”. It makes me sad, because when I’m off from school, I’m not as busy and there isn’t much for me to do here other then work at the Gap when they schedule me, or try and work on my writing, which is something else I’m feeling like I suck at right now. I have no motivation when I’m here and I hate it, and all I want is to go back to school and get moving on things I have to do again.

God I’m really depressed right now. Jeez. I’m so tired all the time, I hate being awake, and all I want to do is ay down right now. I have another nine hour shift on Friday so hopefully that’ll help me.

The good news is I talked with my therapist and she always helps to make me slow these negative thoughts down and realize that no, I won’t feel like this forever, no there’s no truth to anything of the things I keep saying about myself. I can do it. I CAN DO IT GODDAMMIT.

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I am a blob, but I am an optimistic blob

I’m also going to continue my HARDCORE yoga regiment once I get back to school, because there’s not a convenient space at home here for me to do yoga. I can’t easily hook things up to my TV and leaving it on my laptop is A PAIN IN THE ASS LET ME TELL YOU.

Overall it really is difficult to keep your head up sometimes, but self care is always the most important. For example, I feel like shit right now, in case you couldn’t tell from everything I’ve said so far. However, I’m currently solving my problem one little bit at a time. I need to write more, so I’m writing some bits of fiction while also watching Hwarang, this totally kickass historical Korean drama. So I watch some of it, keep a few documents open, and then when I feel, “Oh hey! I know what sentence I can write next!” then I write it. Also, haha! I’m writing a blog post right now, something else that I had to do as well!!! And here I am! Typing! Positivity! Progress! The more exclamation points I type, the better I feel, just so you all know. So with that in mind…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See, I mean you can’t see me type, but I just laughed my ass off. JESUS I’M DISTRESSED AGAIN I’M NOT EVEN AN EPISODE AND A HALF INTO HWARANG AND THEY’RE ALREADY PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART.

Jesus. Today is quite a day. I think I’m gonna eat lunch now, because I love food.

lunch

Here’s my lunch y’all

Just kidding I’m gonna have real lunch, not just a picture. hahahahaahahahahahahaha. Okay I’ll stop typing now and let you all go on your way. Tata my lovelies!!!!!

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