I Wrote Gay Jaws Fanfiction When I Was Ten

That’s certainly an eye catching title. Don’t worry, we’ll get to that later, I did it for the views. Seriously I just banged out an 8 page paper in less than 48 hours and I’ve never done that before, and I actually thought it was GOOOOOOOOOOOD???? Then again when I say I do terrible on tests and essays I end up getting As and Bs, so I’ll just wait for the C now that I actually have confidence in it.

Lifestyyyyyyyyles of the sad and the stressed. Not really that’s just another phrase for “how I live during finals week” and if you guessed that it looks like me eating Lucky Charms for dinner at 11 pm then you’d be right. And some water and peppermint tea so ha look mom I’m not being totally irresponsible. The good news is I’m done with all my essays now, the bad news is I have two last tests next Tuesday. Heck. HECK. The even better news is that my mama took off next Thursday to pick me up and then AGAIN on Friday just cause!! MY MAMA TOOK A DAY OFF SHE WORKS SO HARD AND SHE’S GIVING HERSELF TIME TO REST I’M SO PROUD *SOBBING*

Anyway life is really good. I’m still bitter about too-meta postmodern fiction, I found out my Lit professor loves Jaws as much (maybe not cause I’m a little nuts for that movie) as I do, and that’s wonderful. But I actually watched Jaws over Easter weekend when I went home and DAMN does that movie give me chills of glee and fear every time I watch it. So cue me reading my professor’s article about the 40th anniversary edition of Jaws and taking notes that I’m gonna put in an email and send to him because WHO ELSE WOULD UNDERSTAND MY RAGE AT THE CONVOLUTED SUBPLOT OF HOOPER AND BRODY’S WIFE IN THE BOOK THAT WAS BLESSEDLY REMOVED FOR THE FAR SUPERIOR FILM ADAPTATION?!?!?!? I’m just a little hardcore when it comes to Jaws.

Man I’m in the mood to talk about Jaws. It’s so weird. It’s a movie I watch to destress now because I know it so well, I quote the whole thing, I enjoy the jokes and the dynamics between our three iconic male leads and UH that shark is to die for. Literally I almost died of fear when I first watched Jaws on TV at the ripe old age of 8-10. I don’t specifically remember how old I was, is that bad?? But it’s so interesting, this movie is the scariest movie I’ve ever seen, and I’ll tell that to anyone who listens. I love horror movies, they scare me, but I appreciate the craft and genre done well in any medium, TV, movie, book, etc, and Jaws blows me away every time. Even though ALL MY PEERS RAG ON ME BECAUSE IT’S OLD AND THE EFFECTS MAYBE DON’T HOLD UP AS WELL BUT WHO CARES IF YOU CAN SEE THE SHARK’S TEETH COMING APART THOSE TEETH COULD STILL EAT YOU. It’s even more amazing when you add that to the fact that I am a HARDCORE SHARK ADVOCATE. THAT’S RIGHT. I religiously watch Shark Week, I’m always first to say that although they might frighten me, they’re truly beautiful animals and good lord are they majestic and essential to our ecosystem. I. Freaking. Love. Sharks.

How did I get here from finals? I just….I’m really passionate about this movie. Oh. Bet you were wondering about that title. I’ve written gay Jaws fanfiction. That’s right. I believe Brody likes Hooper but then Quint comes along and Hooper goes head over heels for him and Brody gets a lil jealous. But that’s okay because the shark SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT, kills Quint because the shark is like me and totally ships Brody and Hooper. Hoody. Or Brooper. I ship it. Though I’m not opposed to them all being in a polyamorous, asexual relationship, though. I wrote them all having a lil beach house on Martha’s Vineyard and they stop by from time to time to see each other and reconnect with mason jars full of lemonade, except for Quint’s, his would be a glass of 4000% alcohol, because remember i was ten and knew nothing and thought that was possible. No particular reason for the asexual part, I just feel like they’re all more attracted to each other’s minds, you know? Although Brody in those too short white shorts in Jaws 2 DAMN HOOPER GET IT!!!

I’m sorry Mom. I ran this theory by my mom and she gave me the signature “Sammi really what goes on in your brain sometimes” look. Yes I know you don’t believe my gay Jaws theory. Alas, I’ve always found it fun. I CAME UP WITH THIS WHEN I WAS TEN TOO.

WHAT THE HELL AM I WRITING??? People I just really love Jaws. Just…..I really do. So much. So much. Uh. Okay I think I’ve scarred all your minds enough for one day. I bet when I finally came back with another blog post y’all wouldn’t think it’d be about the gayness I see in Jaws, did you? Nope. Not even close. I’ll see if I can still keep you on your toes for next time.

Adieu.

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I laughed so damn hard when I saw this I created a folder on my computer for “Jaws memes” and this is currently the only thing in it.

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