Honest to god my stomach and I need couples therapy. I’ve heard there’s a strong gut/brain correlation based on neurons and tissues and all that scientific stuff that I don’t quite remember at the moment. I know it’s true, but good lord you’d think knowledge is power. And I feel bad to even think badly or get angry with my brain or stomach because I’m like “Hey guys, you’re part of my body, we all make up what is Me, how about we all get along, I don’t like being upset with anyone.” I personify way too many things it’s actually a problem. I partly blame my Nana. When my brother and I were little and we’d trip over tables or knock into counters or something, she would smack the table and go “Bad table! Don’t hurt Samantha!” And I would get upset and sometimes say, “But Nana it wasn’t the table’s fault! Don’t be mean to the table!” I always do that, I picture little cartoon faces everywhere and while it certainly keeps me young, it can really hurt sometimes, like when I imagine my stomach crying and hunched over because it just can’t stop being nervous.
Tonight for example, I was fine sitting in my room but then getting up and walking around, all my anxieties and self-defeating thoughts would come back and suddenly my stomach felt like it was collapsing in on itself. That spiraled out of control into omg your moments of calm are just illusions you’re actually a nervous wreck unable to be fixed.
Thus, the duality of Sammi.
This is something that always comes up in therapy with some regularity. Sometimes when my anxiety gets real bad and I’m fighting it, the main worry tends to be “I’m gonna be like this my whole life”. Meaning, my calming down techniques are all facades and jokes just to stave off who I truly am: an incompetent, anxiety ridden mess who’ll have to be babied her entire life because she can’t keep herself together. Then my stomach reacts strongly to support this theory and helps me to believe it. It’s scary honestly, this might be the scariest thought out of all my recurring thoughts. I can’t imagine my whole life ahead of me “pretending” to be someone in charge of myself in these moments and it seriously feels like everything I’ve worked for and dreamed about it coming crashing down over my head. Honest to god I get so scared.
Then suddenly, I can stop and tell myself, “You stop that. You’re an awesome person and you’re gonna have a great life, this is just a moment in time and it’ll go away. You are in charge of your destiny and you are capable of anything you set your mind to.”
Even while writing this post I’ve gone up and down, stressed and dreading the next day and then completely calm and in confident that I’ll make the best of whatever comes my way.
It’s stressful for me, to picture this as two Sammis fighting each other, and don’t worry it’s much better choreographed than that dreadful scene in Divergent/Insurgent/whichever one of those movies it is where she fights herself. Uh, my stomach has acted up so strongly at one point I felt my temperature go up as if I was sick or something.
And no, I’m not actually sick.
But for now I think I’ll try to do some meditation exercises on Headspace, read until I’m exhausted, and then go to bed. I think trying to sleep more would help my body feel better too, my sleep schedule is still screwed. Not to mention allergies aren’t making any of this easier. I’m seriously sniffling 24/7 it’s awful.
You know maybe the rain today has also made me feel kind of bad….there’s so many factors it’s real hard to pinpoint just one. For now I’ll finish with my laptop and wrap myself up in blankets and love myself and stuff.
You know, to bring this back to personifying things, I think I have an idea. I’m gonna imagine something that actually makes me happy. Remember that image of my stomach from the beginning all sad and crying because it feels bad for hurting me? Well, now I’m imagining my intestines wrapping it up in a big hug like “hey little buddy it’s okay, we get nervous too and bother Sammi also, it’s not you’re fault, we can’t control it”. And then my brain floats on down and says, “Yeah guys, I’m sorry, I’m doing all I can up here but it’s just really difficult for me, I feel like all the work is on my shoulders and I’m letting you all and Sammi down, I’m sorry I’m not good enough”. And then my brain starts crying. Then my stomach goes over and pulls brain into the hug and the large intestine wraps around my brain and it’s a nice little hug. Stomach says, “Oh brain, no one blames you. It’s okay. We love you so much and all the effort you put in trying to help us.” Both Small and Large Intestines chime in, “Yeah brain you’re really great and strong and we’re always here to support you!” “You go brain together we can make each other happy and make sure Sammi smiles every day!!”
Okay other than that being anatomically not accurate and strange, this is how my brain thinks, and juvenile as it may be, it works for me, and so I’ll draw that tomorrow or write that as a scene or something.
Aren’t you all fascinated by the way I think?