The (Semi) Great Return

Well, it’s been quite a few couple weeks here in la casa Curran. But now I’m back in la apartment Curran and boy oh boy I am scared. Ask my parents. They dropped me off on Sunday and helped me move my stuff back in AND I FREAKING CRIED LIKE A BAAAAABY. They gave me some awesome pep talks and stayed longer than they needed to to help me feel comfortable and all that, and it was really too kind of them. They’ve also been on the phone with me yesterday and today because life is stressful.

Why is life stressful? Well, this new college graduate is job hunting and trying to find her place in the world. Which. Is. HORRIFYING. It’s like I’m in a constant state of rolling down a hill like that scene in the Princess Bride.

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The worst part is that I literally know when everything’s coming. I know every morning when I wake up for the next few days, I’ll have stomach pains and have trouble eating breakfast. This will make my day a little difficult, but toward the middle of it I feel okay. I look back on the morning and go, “Wow, I can do this, this is okay, I won’t be this stressed forever.” Then night comes and I get some of that dread back again, knowing the morning will be rough, and havign some difficulty eating dinner again. It’s a painful cycle, and I’m so sick of it.

I did pretty good yesterday though, so there’s that. I woke up around 7:30 and was lying in bed for an hour, feeling terrible for sitting there doing nothing, but not feeling motivated enough to get up. I call this, anxiety vs. depression, and it’s hard to fight. But I did, and the first thing I did was cry. Yay!!! But it somewhat got better. I texted both my parents, asking if they could talk, and my dad answered first. Before he called though, I managed to eat my vitamins (yeah I do the gummy vitamins because I don’t like swallowing giant pills) and get dressed. It’s a small thing, but it made me feel better. I did my daily meditation, and made a little plan for the day, and by the time I started to get a shape of the day, my dad called. I was really proud that I was able to tell him I was doing alright, a little weepy still, but getting a bit of a grip on things. My parents always know how to help me when I’m feeling low. I can do this, they’re proud of me, they’ll always be there, and of course, it’s okay to not have some concrete plan about the future, it’s okay to be terrified of what comes next after college. The way my dad put it was that all my life I’ve had the same kind of school schedule: wake up, classes, and such. I had to make my own schedule for the time being, including finishing my novel, job hunting, walking dogs with Wag, going to the gym, stuff like that to keep me busy and feeling like I’m doing something. I have to be productive, or else I’ll freak out.

That’s why I’m a little nervous today. I don’t quite have a plan and it’s snowing out.

HA! So I just took a break from writing this blog to make plans with Cyndi for coffee tomorrow. HA LOOK AT ME BEING GOOD AND KEEPING IN TOUCH WITH MY FRIENDS AND STUFF. And I’m also looking at the starting lineup for the Puppy Bowl this Sunday, which is even more exiting than the Super Bowl. It’s literally just a few hours of puppies running around playing with toys and each other and getting “penalties” for peeing or pooping on the floor. Okay I may have just found my dream job. Puppy Bowl referee.

OKAY I’M WATCHING THE FREAKING 45 MINUTE PRE-PUPPY BOWL SHOW, THEY’RE LITERALLY INTERVIEWING DOGS, LIKE THIS GUY ALVIN IS A MIX AND THEY’RE DOING A WHOLE BIG REVEAL ABOUT WHAT BREED HE IS.

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Anyway I’ve been a real mess, is the point of what I’m trying to say. I’m either too anxious to apply for anything or too depressed to work up the energy to do so. I have little bursts of my usual self coming through, it’s just trying to drag that real me out for more than just a few hours. It’s really really exhausting. Like right now I’m in my “depressed and can barely even move my fingers to type” mindset right now, so writing this blog post has become ten times harder.

The good news is I’m almost done! I just wanted to kind of talk about how I’ve been feeling with job hunting and all that, because it’s a huge adjustment to make after being in school for the majority of my life. I’m putting this blog on my schedule, so I’ll get to write more and share my thoughts and feelings with y’all more often. It tends to be pretty therapeutic for me so I’ll do my best. Thanks for sticking with me through the ups and downs dear readers!

 

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