Yes I am. The funny thing is that the title for this was originally going to be a bit of a downer, whether it was “A Torrential Low” or “I’ve Been in a Funk” etc.
But nope. Today wasn’t perfect, but I think it’s a good start. A decent start. In my little notebook where I set up a grid to color code how my days feel, this one was a half good/half anxious day. Half green and half purple. Considering the past two days were purple, this seems to be heading in the right direction. Florida was a blast. I love seeing my aunt because she deals with a lot of the same stuff I do, so while I don’t enjoy her feeling anxious, I feel positive knowing I have someone close who understands. Since she lives in Florida I never really get to see her, so it was awesome. We played bingo and DIDN’T WIN A THING. But the experience was worth it. I found out I love using those little ink dabbers to mark off numbers, it was actually very therapeutic in a weird way. Some people gamble, I play bingo.
But what my anxiety comes down to is the usual with me. It’s been two big things so far, one new and one old, as my psychiatrist says.
- Finding a job: This is the new stress. I’m not used to looking for a full time job and applying and doing interviews and cover letters all the time. This, while difficult, I’m finding to be a little more manageable than before. Ask my parents, who I had up until like 3 am because I couldn’t stop crying about my lack of employment and ability to become employed, and they might roll their eyes a little at this. But they’ve had unwavering faith in me, so that’s a lovely thing. I applied to a job today! I’m gonna make it a one job a day quota now. That’s really not too muh but it’s better than before and if I seem to be moving a bit slower than others, than eff that. Sorry my brain is a little more anxious and it makes things a little more difficult for me. YEAH MAN WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN PACE AND THAT’S HOW WE DO.
- Low. Self. Esteeeeem. This is the old one. This is the one that’s been a bug up my ass since I was a wee baby. If I never got 100% on a test, I’d be a little disappointed. Wanna know something funny? I remember getting a 92/100 on a social studies essay back in like junior year of high school, and I still felt like I didn’t write the essay well enough. I was in the top decile in high school and I still thought my grades weren’t enough to get me into the colleges I wanted. I’ve been on almost every literary magazine in my college, but I still think I have no way to break into an editing job. And it’s always the same stuff in my head: You’re not good enough. You’re disappointing everyone. These are the main ones.
I’d been doing pretty good with self-esteem, but my problem is that if one thing big enough happens, it sends me back into a spiral. So to be honest, the one that got me is that basically I was let go from my freelance editing job. I was suspicious because I wasn’t getting any emails from them in awhile, so I emailed to say I’d be willing to take on more subjects if need be. The response was that they’d found too many mistakes on my previous project and so they wouldn’t be sending me anything else. I emailed and asked for more specifics, because I honestly thought I did well, and the answer was that I had to pay more attention to publisher’s guidelines and such, and basically to look at each and everything super carefully.
So I, being me, took that as oh my goodness I literally just graduated with a degree in this and I can’t even handle a freelance job, how can I get a real job, how will I learn if I haven’t got the “it” factor already, my degree is for nothing and I wasted my parents’ money and time and everything SUCKS I SUCK–
That’s about how the dialogue went in my head. It was a spiral man, I didn’t eat for like three days I was so anxious and depressed over it. It severely slowed down my job applying and really is still with me a bit today. Obviously I don’t like feeling this way. Obviously. I’m really trying here but my goodness is it a pain in the ass. I’m really riding the struggle bus here.
However, today I woke up nervous and I’m proud to say that I’ve kind of ended the day on a positive note. I’ve appliedto a job today, as I said before. I took a walk with my mom and my dog, I talked to my parents (lol at like 3 am as I also said before, so that still counts as today) and I started looking into single apartments. I’m still leaning toward living alone but hey man if any of you reading this need a Boston roomie around the Brighton area hit me up. I’m open to everything. My cousin in Florida asked me what I was up to now after graduation and my answer was “my plan is that I have no plan” and heck I think I’ll go with that for now. The more I try to plan the worse I feel. I can have loose routines and that’ll do me some good. I also have to make another page to post all my entertainment (movies, books, TV) essays and such because then I could have a page to put all my published stuff, my freelance rates in case anyone ever happens to stumble upon me, etc.
But baby steps. Today I ate dinner before 9 o’clock. A small victory, but it’s better for your digestion to eat dinner earlier at night, and normally I eat at like 9:30-10. Also, when I get back from home, it usually takes me a few days to unpack everything like my clothes and what not. Today, I GOT THAT SHIT DONE IN A FEW HOURS. BABY STEPS Y’ALL, BABY STEPS.
So that’s all for now, I’ve got three episodes of The Terror to catch up on and I’d like to focus on that for the time being. Toodles my friends, and I hope all is well with you as well.