It’s been a little low the past 48 hours. You would think I’d be happy because Barnes and Noble is interested in bringing me on for a job. I love books and I need to make money, so this is a good place to start, I think. If I get my confidence back maybe I can look forward to every day and feel like I’m doing something productive.
The past 48 hours I’ve been feeling kind of sick. I know it’s partly due to my anxiety, but the headache and stomachache I feel are awful. I’m thinking depending on how next week goes I might talk to my therapist about going back to 20 mg of medication, because although I feel like I’m doing about the same, I feel a noticeable change in how much more often I’m feeling hopeless and depressed.
Which brings me to that familiar feeling of disappointment. My parents and everyone were so happy to hear I was trying to lower my medication because that meant things were getting better. I’ve been scared to really bring up how upset I’ve been really feeling because I don’t want people to think they’ve wasted their time with trying to help. I know I’m frustrated and angry that I keep cycling back to feeling depressed and anxious all the time, so I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for the people who support me to have to tell me the same things over and over. I can only tell them “I know, I’m trying” so much before they get fed up, and that’s what I worry about. I’m scared of letting people down and having them give up on me because I have these same doubts that just won’t seem to go away. I feel like a waste, and I’m trying so hard to find someting that the people who love me can look at and say “Hey Sammi’s doing alright, I’m proud of her” and I can’t. And I don’t want to talk about it because I can’t stand the thought of people being angry with me because these thoughts keep coming back. I’d hate to admit “I’m not doing okay” only to hear disappointment or anger or something else on the other end.
The problem with that is now I’m bottling things up a bit more and I know I am. I just feel lost and confused and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying meditating, working out, writing some positive post it notes, but this funk I’m in right now is powerful. I don’t really know what else to say, I just really had to write this out because hopefully that would help. It has a little bit, but I’m not sure if a little bit is good enough. The world moves too fast, and every small step I take forward seems to not matter because I should be jumping forward.
Sorry this is so short today, I’ll try and come back with something hopefully a little more positive next time. I’m just in a bad headspace right now and trying to find my way.