For the first time in quite a while, I feel like I’m on an upward trajectory. It’s been pretty liberating.
So, here’s what’s happened in the past few days. I got a part time job working in baby clothing retail, and I went in on an apartment with three other super cool people. I started writing articles to publish on this site, Vocal Media, and I’m slowly chugging through my novel.
I start training for the retail job on Thursday, so I’m a little nervous for that. It’s weird, it’s only part time, and it’s baby retail, which I love, but I’m still a little scared. I keep getting nervous about customers not liking me or doing something wrong, you know? It’s like, I feel happy because things seem to be looking up, but it’s like when you’re anxious for so long, it’s almost like I don’t trust not being super anxious. All of this is happy stuff, and during the daytime when I’m up and moving I feel like it’s happy stuff. I still have moments of “OH GOD PANIC MODE WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY ALL THE TIME???” And it’s making me really weird.
For example, my “writing playlist” as I call it, basically it’s just me letting a Youtube playlist go on for awhile, has been all over the place. I usually just listen to chill Kpop music like AKMU, or chill movie/instrumental soundtracks. A favorite is the Blade Runner 2049 soundtrack because damn that’s a good one. So is that piece from Theory of Everything, Arrival of the Birds. SO GOOD.
This past week I’ve been all over the map. A sample from today: I listened to Arrival of the Birds, Theory of Everything, then I put Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood on repeat??? WHY???? Then I listened to indie/alternative stuff like Gorillaz and the Wallows, then back to the 80s with TAAAAAAAAAAKE OOOOOOOOON MEEEEEEEEE. Basically right now I’ve got an 80s one hit wonder playlist on. The song playing right now is Cars by Gary Numan. Somehow this is helping me write? Who even knows anymore. If it’s getting me through this novel, that’s something. I’m almost done with Part 2, then just Part 3 and 4 and I’m done. Well, not really. I have to go back, read the whole thing, and do a round of edits.
So it’s all pretty good, and overall I’m feeling better now than I have been the past few weeks. I think another part of it, and this might sound weird, is that I legitimately need to cry to live. The best way to put it is that if too much stuff builds up over time, and I don’t cry for awhile, it all has to come out. I like to think of it as I have a little container in my body for all my tears, and when that overflows, it’s time to empty the bucket, so to speak. Then I feel better. OMG DEVO’S WHIP IT JUST CAME ON AND I LOVE THIS SONG THIS ACTUALLY JUST MADE ME SO MUCH HAPPIER. Music is great.
But I’m a little nervous for the job, you know? It’s really nothing to be too nervous about, it’s a small store and I’ll be on my own most of the time. I think, and honestly, this is such a small thing, I’m nervous because I have to go home for a dentist appointment August 2nd and I don’t want to ask for time off when I haven’t even started, because I don’t want them to think I’m a slacker or anything, or that they’ll regret hiring me. I mean they probably won’t, because I’ve had this appointment set up for at least a month, but still. I get a little nervous about stuff like that. The super good news is that I’m talking to my therapist on Monday, and the funny thing is that last time we talked, she said, “Maybe things will change next time we talk!” AND YEAH I HAVE A PART TIME JOB AND AN APARTMENT SO HEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH that’s something I’m looking forward to. I’m also seeing Cyndi for lunch tomorrow so that’ll be great. I haven’t seen that nerd in some time, so that should be fun. Anyway I’m sitting here right now eating coffee ice cream and wondering why it tastes like ice and not coffee. It’s only been in the freezer for three days but it tastes muted. Weird. I really wanted to enjoy this coffee ice cream tonight. I guess I’ll wait til it melts a bit and see what happens.
Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m gonna just keep my head up and approach Thursday’s training with curiosity. So it’s like Baby Gap, where I’ve been before, only it’s Monica + Andy’s which is like a higher end store, or a “guide shop” as they call it. I’m excited, because that means my job is to really be with the customer 24/7, so I’m happy to be seeing kids, new moms, etc. We’ll see how it goes, but the managers all sound super nice and understanding, and hopefully my four hour training sesh will help me feel more at ease. I’ll update you all on the status of my life after Thursday!!