I’ve really thought a lot about my happiness the past month, and I’ve never realized how important it is to have a tranquil living space. I honestly haven’t felt real drop-dead killing-me-slowly anxiety the past month. And this is during a time of job interviews and applications, adjusting to a completely new neighborhood, meeting new people, and not having classes for the first time in September. It’s been a lot to digest, but I feel so comfortable doing it.
I’ve come to realize that I feel so much better because I really really enjoy my living situation. I come home and it’s so stress free. I don’t have to worry about bugs or anything like last year. I don’t have to worry about drama like past years. I get to come home on Sundays and we all watch the newest Attack on Titan episode. Or we randomly put on Kpop videos because my roommates are also into that. Actually soon I’ll be putting on BTS’ music videos to teach one of them who each of them are, as Cyndi did for me way back when. The student has become the master. We even did a Marvel trivia night together and came in second place and won a free Black Panther comic. It was a lot of fun.
Overall I just feel super duper at ease. It’s like my brain isn’t always thinking “What can go wrong today, what’s going to upset me today, I have to be on my toes,” and other frantic thoughts like that. I remember for a long time during my last year in the Emerson dorms feeling like a ball of electricity was constantly alive in my chest and it was hard to focus and breathe. I really thought that when I left campus I would forget about feeling so upset and anxious but it comes back every time I think of it. I genuinely feel a little tense walking near campus because it’s like residual stress has built up and won’t go away. I never thought I was ever that stressed while at Emerson. I’m still happy I went, I don’t want to make it sound like I hated it or regret anything, because I don’t. I loved the academics. I loved my professors and going to the Max and midnight. I met my best friends and found my writing voice. For all the wildness that went on, I still loved it. I mean, my freshman year my suitemates and I kept track of the pigeons that lived on the roof outside our window, and they all were named after English kings. My suitemate had a kidney stone and named it Jerome, which then inspired me to name my kidney stone when I got one sophomore year (his name was Oliver).
Still, getting off campus was the best thing I could’ve done. After moving out and into the new apartment, I wasn’t just stressed about everything that came with that, I was furious about the past three years. Why am I still thinking about this? Why is this person angry with me and treat me like the worst person in the world without giving me a chance ot clarify anything when I did nothing to them? Why did it feel like I was always dealing with a crisis? What am I even doing here? I was super bitter and felt so helpless and confused. I didn’t leave the dorms on good terms with campus life, and I seriously thank the powers that be for Cyndi keeping me sane throughout the whole thing. I know that sometimes my anxiety/OCD can make me a bit of a control freak. When I would get too in my head and vent to my roommate, she would say “well sometimes that’s life and you have to live with it” or something along those lines. Basically it’s like the trope in TV or something when someone is freaking out and another character slaps them. Cyndi gives me a metaphorical slap when needed.
With distance comes time to heal, and so the anger was gone pretty quickly, and then I just felt a little hurt by the whole thing. There are things I wished I could go back and say to make myself feel better. I think I deserve that. But even then, the sadness went away, and now I’m here and I get to pick and choose what I get to see again from Emerson. I’m actually going to go back and talk to my psych professor again, she went on vacation to Greece this summer and I want to find out all about it!!
I’m super away from all that out here in Cambridge, and I get to have fun. I get to feel comfortable because we have air conditioning, and I don’t have to keep looking in corners for centipedes. Instead it’s totally relaxed. My roommate does a Marvel podcast and she had to watch Age of Ultron, which is a mess of a movie, so we went to the corner store and got some beer so that we had something to drink when something stupid happened on screen (Which was often and if I hadn’t eaten Reese’s beforehand I probably would’ve had some more Blue Moon, good God is that movie bad). And even though I was watching a shitty movie, it was still fun, and I went to bed happy.
It’s really important to feel safe and content with where you live, and I’m super happy that’s where I’m at now.
So it’s been good! I’ve been between writing short stories, articles on Vocal, and working, so it’s been wild. Alas, I’ll try again to revive my little blog, because for some reason every time I say “Yeah I’ll blog every week!” I disappear for like a month and a half. Alas, we shall see where the wind blows, so for now I’ll keep it safe and say another blog will come within a month. That sounds reasonable. Have fun all, love you lots!